Date rape

So in the previous vein, women also seem to be conditioned to let men get away with a lot of things - to let them have sex even if the woman isn't in the mood or doesn't want to - technically if it's against her will, it's rape.

The stereotypical image of a rapist is some guy lurking in the bushes who jumps out on some unsuspecting young woman - you know what? That's a myth perpetuated by people who don't want to admit that most rapes are actually carried out by someone known to the victim. And if she doesn't want to have sex, then date rape is still rape. Marital rape does exist. It is NOT a man's right to have sex with her just because she is his wife. It is not a man's right to have sex with a woman just because they were alone together or they went to a movie. Is it any wonder that the vast majority of rapes go unreported?

Sometimes you wish you could take the law into your own hands, but of course you can't. One person however made use of her right to free speech.
Outted rapist

What struck me most wasn't that she used facebook to out the guys, it was these three points, especially the third.

1. The system fails women. Again and again. Campus and law-enforcement response to sexual assault is often inadequate at best, traumatic at worst. And schools are reluctant to treat acquaintance rapes (aka the majority of rapes) as crimes worthy of alerting all students about. These system failures essentially give offenders license to rape again.

2. Women already share this type of information informally -- and have since long before Facebook. Women in a particular industry warn each other about which bosses are sexist and which coworkers are harassers. We discuss previous relationship violence we have experienced and caution friends against dating those men. We are often each other's best support and resource.

3. Rapists are likely to be repeat offenders. This was Rubenstein's primary motivation for making the Facebook posting: "I felt like I needed to warn everyone else about these guys," she said. The comments at Jezebel (where Amanda's post was reposted) are full of women's stories of being raped by an acquaintance who went on to rape other women.

Throughout history women have shared stories, exchanged gossip, and sometimes that gossip actually had/has substance - women talking together can just as easily convey important information as share ideas in how to wash their man's pants! Shocking I know lol But sometimes we actually DO talk about important things in life, and share info on someone who has hurt one of our sisters Is a very important thing to share. And make no mistake, we ARE all sisters, we are all women, we have that in common and what affects one of us has the potential to affect us all.

As for the third point, the majority of date rapists have done it before and WILL do it again. So, you may be wondering, why don't women report them? Because first you have point one - the system doesn't make it easy to do so, the investigation and gathering of evidence is invasive and humiliating and requires a woman to relieve the ordeal repeatedly, something she is in state to deal with after the trauma of being raped in the first place.

Because many victims of date rape are ashamed of having put themselves in that position in the first place, they think it's their fault - which it isn't. They think people will blame them for the wrong clothes, or leading him on, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Victim blaming is still endemic in our society, especially in cases of rape and other violent acts against women - too many people still think "She deserved it" or "She asked for it". You know what? No woman ever asks to be raped or abused, whether by her boyfriend, her date, her neighbour or a complete stranger, period.

Rape, whether date rape, stranger rape or whatever, has absolutely NOTHING to do with SEX and EVERYTHING to do with a male need for POWER over, CONTROL of and VIOLENCE towards the victim. There's a reason rape is used as a weapon of war - and it's not because soldiers need sex. It's because it's a vicious, violent weapon that affects on multiple levels.

Victims think no-one will believe them - any case of he said she said is difficult to prove, especially rape - he says they were having rough sex, she says she was raped, there are no witnesses - chances are not good that he'll be found guilty of anything either by the law or by society. Sorry, but sad as it is that is a reflection on both society and the law which has to consider someone innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt - not that that helps out the victims. It's just the way it is.

And no victim really wants to relive what they just went through, probably multiple times, in front of male police officers, court officials, lawyers, judges... you get the idea.

I can understand why, however, that brings us back to point two again - any victim has the right now to go to the authorities if that's what she chooses but she shouldn't remain silent within her own circle of sisters. The chances are very good that if he has raped her, then he's done it to other people, and he will do it again. We have to continue to talk to each other, to protect each other. As soon as one victim of date rape speaks out, you can almost guarantee others will speak up and the only way anything will ever be done about these perpetrators is when enough people know and stand up to them and call them to account for their actions.

In my book, Chloe Rubenstein did what she thought she needed to do to protect other women, to protect her sisters. We all need to look out for each other, we all need to stand together instead of blaming the victims, we need to stand against those who think date rape, rape, abuse and violence are ok. We need to remember we are all in this together and find some sisterhood.

And we need some way of warning other women to at least be wary and be careful when around someone who has committed such an offence. There's a reason women gossip - sometimes it's for mutual protection.